


Get Rid Of Me

by JustAnAnxiousMess



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mention of blood, Overdosing, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:02:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26917813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousMess/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousMess
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING: mention of blood, suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of blood, suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt.

Anxiety stared out of the window, entranced by the moonlight that streamed into his room and lit everything up almost as brightly as the sun did. He loved looking at the moon. For some reason he always felt much calmer when looking at it.

He managed to tear his eyes away from the window and climbed into bed, the moon unable to keep the thoughts at bay for long. Today had been particularly terrible. He'd had a mild panic attack which caused Thomas to have one too when he was about to go on stage for an audition.

Roman had been furious and just about managed to get Thomas through the audition. Afterwards he'd proper laid into Anxiety with harsh words to tell him how he always made things worse.

Anxiety closed his eyes with a sigh, he could handle what Roman said because it was no worse than how he described himself. The one thing that had stung slightly was the comment Logan had then made about him being a disorder rather than an actual trait so it was expected of him to mess everything up for the rest of them.

Apparently he was never meant to exist and should have been erased long ago. Anxiety wasn't a trait everyone had and people even took medication to get rid of it.

Suddenly Anxiety had a thought. What if Thomas were to take it? How would it affect him? Did he really care anymore? He was tired of the comments and horrible feelings he was forced to carry. Maybe if Thomas took the medication it would kill him and he'd finally be able to relax.

Anxiety ran a hand down his face, ignoring the fact he smudged his eye makeup and tried to think of the cons behind Thomas taking the medication. He couldn't think of any.

With this he decided to try and get at least an hours sleep before he pushed the idea into Thomas's mind.

The next morning Anxiety woke up in a cold sweat, his sleep having been plagued by the usual nightmares.

He stood up on shaky legs and tried to think of how he could broach the idea of Thomas taking medication. Eventually he decided to just mention the idea to him.

He waited until Thomas was alone and popped up next to him.

"hey Thomas." he greeted and felt more confident about his question when Thomas flinched and then groaned quietly at realising who had turned up.

"what is it Anxiety?" Thomas asked warily.

"I was thinking that I've been making you feel particularly bad recently and I was going to suggest you take anxiety medication to try and prevent me from being tempted to mess with you as much." Anxiety managed to keep his voice level throughout his sentence.

Thomas frowned at this, unsure why Anxiety would suddenly suggest he take meds but the idea sure was tempting. "I'll consider it and if I think that it could be a good idea I'll try it"

Anxiety nodded and sank back into the mind space, disappearing into his room immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Thomas scrolled through Twitter and Tumblr, occasionally liking and replying to his fans when he stumbled across a post someone had shared.

It was a long paragraph of someone describing how much their anxiety used to rule their life until they were properly diagnosed and medicated and now they felt much better and could do everything with minimum stress.

It was definitely starting to sound appealing and he found himself almost dialling the number for a clinic but he hesitated as a thought struck him.

How would the medicine effect Anxiety? Would it just make him more relaxed or tired? Or maybe it would hurt him or even kill him? Thomas shuddered and put his phone down. He couldn't take the risk that it would seriously harm Anxiety.

Thomas wondered if he should consult Logan about the situation but before he could Roman popped up with a brand new idea for a video.

"Hello Thomas, I've just thought of a marvellous idea for your next video." he said with a flourish and a large proud grin.

"Cool. I was actually about to call Logan for some advice about something but you might also be able to help me." Thomas said, shifting his weight awkwardly as he tried to think of the right words to bring up.

"Of course I can help you, I am the Prince. That's what I'm here for." Roman said brushing imaginary dirt off of his clothes.

Thomas took a deep breath before asking "do you think I should take medication for my anxiety?"

Roman frowned and thought for a while, trying to think of why Thomas would hesitate.

"why of course. That's got to be one of the best ideas you've had, it will make everything a whole lot easier for us to work in a productive positive way." He said, gesturing his arms wildly.

"you don't think it'll harm Anxiety in any way?" Thomas asked, slightly less hesitant.

Roman paused momentarily, he hadn't thought of that. "I don't think it will, it's a great idea but how did you come up with it?" he asked, slightly annoyed that Thomas hadn't needed him for thinking up the idea.

"well actually, Anxiety told me he thought it'd make him less tempted to mess everything up." Thomas explained.

Roman felt a flash of anger and jealousy. He was the one who was supposed to help Thomas have ideas, not Anxiety. "well for once I agree with him and if he suggested it then there's no way it'd harm him, he'd never do anything that would put his life in danger." Roman said, his anger showing slightly in the way he grit his teeth.

Thomas considered this and shrugged, accepting Romans logic of the situation." OK, if your sure I guess I'll call the clinic and book an appointment or something."

Roman beamed and synced out with a cheerful goodbye. As he popped back into the mind space he let his smile drop and he stomped furiously towards his room. How did he not think of that before Anxiety of all people? He slammed his bedroom door and tried to calm his breathing. At least it would be better soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anxiety stayed in his room for the rest of the day unsure if Thomas would actually listen to his idea until he heard him arranging an appointment.

He felt his lip twitch into a shadow of a smile but only for half a second before his face went back to normal. He'd accomplished the first step, all he had to do now was wait and then down play the effects of the tablets until it was too late.

He knew the others wouldn't let him kill himself but that was merely because they didn't want to feel guilty or like they failed to 'save' someone. It definitely wasn't because they cared that was for sure.

Before he knew it the day of the appointment arrived and Anxiety decided if today was his last day then he'd try and see just how much he could affect Thomas and how pissed off he could make the others.

Thomas was getting ready to go when he suddenly had a thought. "what if they don't believe me?" he muttered, causing him to pause midway through putting his jacket on. "what if they say I don't need the medication and I'm just a bit paranoid. Or worse what happens if they think I'm crazy and they put me in a psychiatric ward?" Thomas started to panic until Roman appeared.

"Thomas, relax. Everything is going to be fine." he said comfortingly and breathed a sigh of relief as it worked, until Anxiety popped up.

"is it though? From an outsiders perspective you talk to yourself and if that doesn't scream that something is wrong with you then I don't know what does." Anxiety tried to speak in a normal voice but he was also terrified of the doctor refusing to medicate Thomas or finding out that Thomas could see aspects of his personality.

Roman was getting annoyed by Anxietys constant interruptions with negative comments. "you're being ridiculous Anxiety. Just stop making him miserable for once in his life." he snapped, sending a glare full of hatred at the darker trait.

Anxiety inhaled sharply but pretended to ignore Romans comment. "Thomas if you don't hurry up you're going to be late and you'll never get the medication. You'll turn up too late and you won't be able to see the doctor and then you'll be too embarrassed at wasting the doctors time that you'll never want to phone them up again." Anxiety got lost in a tangent of worst case scenario, his voice getting higher and his words more rushed.

It wasn't until Roman shouted at him to shut up that Anxiety realised what he'd been doing and how close he'd been to saying they'd never be rid of him without the medication.

Thomas eventually left and Anxiety and Roman were forced to sync down.

"can't you just leave him alone for one day?" Roman asked and if Anxiety didn't know him better he would have said he was pleading with him.

Anxiety shook his head, not sure he'd be able to keep his voice steady. He'd actually tried to be like the others but it didn't work and it always ended up effecting Thomas negatively so he'd given up.

Romans anger was steadily building and as he took in Anxietys bored expression he couldn't help but make an angry comment. "just leave Thomas alone, go mope in your bedroom and stop popping up to make his life miserable. At least when he takes the medication he'll probably feel much better and it'll probably chill you out." with this last comment he spun on his heel and stalked towards his room, almost missing the soft "OK fine, you'll never see me again."

Roman struggled not to turn around and kept walking, Anxiety was only talk. Right?

Anxietys face fell as soon as Roman had turned around and he slowly began making his way to his room, anticipating when Thomas would take the medication.

He locked his door, making sure to put his wardrobe and chest of drawers in front of it in case Roman tried to kick it down like last time when he'd accidentally given Thomas a panic attack.

He shuddered at that memory. He'd barely been a trait for a week and Roman was so angry he'd actually hit him. He'd apologised a couple days later when Anxiety explained he hadn't meant to give Thomas a panic attack but he knew then that the others merely tolerated him and they'd prefer him to be gone.

Anxiety walked slowly towards his mirror and was shocked to see that he'd forgotten to clean up his eyeshadow which he'd smudged down his face. How did neither Thomas or Roman say anything? Because they don't care about him, that's why.

He turned from the mirror and climbed into his wardrobe that was leaning against the door. That way if anyone did break down the door it would tip the wardrobe and he'd be safe inside it away from their venomous words.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thomas walked back into his apartment, tablets in hand. It had been way easier than he'd thought and the doctor hadn't needed convincing of his anxiety like he thought he would.

He sat down on the sofa, pills in one hand, a glass of water in the other. He'd read through the side effects but there was no clue to how they'd affect Anxiety. He hesitated and called for Roman.

"I told you everything would turn out fine." he exclaimed as he noticed the pills. "what are you waiting for? Take them."

Thomas nodded but still he hesitated. "do you think I should call for Anxiety and make sure he's alright?" Thomas asked, his worry back but worse with the tablets actually in his hand.

"He'll be fine just take them and stop hesitating. It was his idea in the first place so there's no danger." Romans voice was eager and Thomas agreed that if Anxiety had suggested he take them then there was no way they'd cause him harm.

He shoved the pills in his mouth and gulped down water, letting out a sigh as he sat down to wait for them to kick in.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About half an hour later, maybe an hour, Thomas felt full of energy and he had a big smile on his face. "I feel like I can film and edit a video all day today." he said with a grin and Roman beamed as they began brainstorming.

Anxiety sat in his wardrobe and felt the first hint of pain. It was in his lungs and each breath felt like he was drowning. Eventually that stopped but the ache was there and when he coughed his hands were splattered with blood.

He swallowed and ignored the ache in his lungs and throat, he needed to pretend nothing was wrong. He wiped the blood onto his hoodie, blood didn't show up as much on black.

Suddenly he felt incredibly dizzy and as he slumped sideways he wondered how long it'd take for him to die.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Logan felt a weird shift happen within the mind and he put down his pen to see what Thomas was up to.

"hey Logan, we're brainstorming ideas for a video, want to help?" came the cheery voice of Thomas and Logan rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I was actually coming to see if anything different had happened as there was an abnormal shift in your mind." Logan was straight to the point and started to scan the surrounding area.

"actually..." Thomas began but Roman interrupted.

"can you go please, we were in the middle of coming up with ideas and I need complete concentration." his voice was snobbish and arrogant which made Logan bristle slightly before taking a couple deep breaths and muttering "never mind"

Logan went back to the mind space and started to theorise about what had changed.

"hey Logan, why are you looking so Grumpy? Anyone would think you're... Short tempered." Pattons cheery voice interrupted Logans thoughts and he groaned at the cringey Disney pun.

"Something has changed in Thomas's mind and I'm trying to deduce what." Logan didn't even open his eyes as he explained this in a slow voice as if Patton was a child.

"deduce? You mean like Sherlock Holmes? Ooo do we get to dress up again?" Patton exclaimed happily, clapping his hands.

Logan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "no Patton, I'm just trying to figure out what's changed." his voice was exasperated but that didn't deter Patton.

"can I help?" he asked enthusiastically.

Logan bit back an immediate negative response and decided it would keep Patton busy and he might be able to figure out what had changed then.

"fine." he muttered and covered his ears as Patton squealed happily.

Patton immediately popped up to talk to Thomas about the sort of game he and Logan were playing.

"hey kiddo, me and Logan are playing another detective game." he said cheerfully.

Thomas glanced up from where he was writing and gave Patton a grin. "you mean you asked him if you could help him figure out what's 'changed?' he's probably imagining things, I feel happy and perfectly fine so it's not a bad change whatever it is." Thomas's voice was loud and full of confidence that it made Pattons heart swell with pride.

At least until he spotted the box sitting on the table.

"Hey Thomas, what's in that box?" he asked innocently.

Thomas and Roman rolled their eyes and Thomas replied "they're painkillers for a headache I had earlier but it's completely gone now."

Thomas didn't even feel bad about the almost lie he told. It was pretty much true though, Anxiety caused him to have headaches sometimes and the medication made them stop because they prevented anxiety. Technically it was still the truth.

Patton nodded with a forced smile and quickly went to find Logan.

Logan opened his eyes at the knock on his door and rolled his eyes as Patton burst in without waiting to be told.

"I know what's changed!" he panted.

"what is it Patton?" Logan asked, expecting either a pun or a silly comment.

"Thomas is taking some strange medication. He told me it was painkillers for his headaches but that's not what it looked like." Patton was worried and Logan decided it was worth checking out. 

"OK fine I'll go see what they are." he said and quietly popped up back in the living room.

Patton popped up in the kitchen and called for Thomas and Roman. "let's try and get you to cook yourself something." he said, immediately getting Romans interest as that was a goal he and Thomas had decided needed to be tackled soon.

While Patton distracted Thomas and Roman, Logan snuck towards the sofa and read the box. It meant very little so he glanced at the leaflet and felt his face go extremely pale.

He sunk back into the mind space and waited for Patton to come back.

Eventually Patton came back and Logan blurted out "he's taking anxiety medication."

Patton frowned in confusion. "what is that? What is it supposed to do?"

"it's supposed to help someone block out their anxiety and if I'm correct then Anxiety will be feeling the full effects of it." Logan was slightly worried now and Patton was getting upset.

"what do we do?" he asked, voice edged with panic.

"we need to check on Anxiety." Logan responded immediately and Patton was already up the hallway before he finished speaking.

"Anxiety? Are you alright in there?" Logan asked, dread creeping through him as he heard no hint of a response.

Patton knocked on the door and then tried to walk in but the door was locked.

"maybe we should get Roman to kick it down?" Patton asked frantically.

Logan frowned and made a quick decision. "we're going to confront Thomas about this."

And that's how they found themselves in the living room arguing over whether Thomas should have taken the medication or not.

"Anxiety suggested it himself." Thomas eventually blurted out and suddenly Patton burst into tears. The others may not have noticed how much the dark trait hated himself but Patton had always noticed. He'd even held him through a panic attack one night when he forgot to lock his door.

The words that spewed out of his mouth about himself and how everyone would be better off without him had made Patton pay special attention and care to him and if Anxiety had asked Thomas to take the pills then it meant he wanted to be hurt or killed and that thought destroyed Patton.

Roman, Thomas and Logan froze at the sight of Patton in such distress. It wasn't until he gasped out "he wants to die." that Roman suddenly put two and two together.

"this is all my fault." he muttered, staring blankly into space as he remembered how he'd convinced Thomas to take them and how he'd told Anxiety to leave Thomas alone and Anxiety had said he'd never see him again.

Suddenly he had an idea "we need to go check in Anxiety!"

Patton was crying too hard to talk but Logan said "we tried his door and it's locked."

Roman nodded in understanding and grabbed Thomas's arm. "we're going into your mind and we're going to try and see if Anxiety is alright."

Thomas shrugged and replied "cool, I guess."

The four of them suddenly appeared outside Anxietys door and Roman kicked it until it came off its hinges but he found a wardrobe and chest of drawers in the way. "he really doesn't want to be disturbed." he muttered and managed to push the wardrobe out of the way so they could get inside.

Once inside they looked around the room and couldn't find any hint of Anxiety.

"where is he?" Patton asked fearfully, clinging to Logans arm as he looked around.

Logan shrugged and glanced at Thomas who looked more interested in Anxietys room than the fact Anxiety was missing and could potentially be seriously injured.

Roman was scanning the room and his eyes locked onto a strange smear on the wardrobe. He crept closer and realised it was a trail of some kind of substance leading into the wardrobe.

"I think I found him." he whispered and the others crowded round as he opened the doors.

Patton immediately gagged and hid his face in Logans back who had paled considerably.

Roman collapsed onto his knees, guilt and horror running through his mind.

The only one who seemed unaffected was Thomas. In fact he glanced in the wardrobe, muttered "gross" and went back to looking at Anxietys stuff.

Anxiety lay slumped against the side of the wardrobe, blood trailing from his mouth to the pool he was sitting in. There was so much and it was slightly congealed so the doors of the wardrobe had been stuck slightly.

Roman eventually managed to convince himself to be brave and he picked up the unconscious trait, becoming aware of how worryingly light he was.

"put him on the bed." instructed Logan, prising Pattons hands off of his clothes.

Roman did as he was told and Logan quick began checking Anxiety over.

"his pulse is faint but it's still there." he muttered as he worked on clearing the blood from Anxietys airways.

Patton had now clung onto Roman for comfort and Thomas had even started to be more attentive to what was going on.

"why is Thomas not worried?" Roman asked, his voice full of annoyance.

"if I'm correct, and I usually am, Anxiety represents more than just anxiety. He also has control of Thomas's fear and shame. This helps prevent him from being reckless and careless in situations that could be hazardous to Thomas's health. In simple terms, Thomas isn't worried because that's what Anxiety makes him do and he's not able to do that right now." Logans voice remained neutral but the slight shake of his hands as he pushed his glasses further up his nose betrayed his nerves.

Roman nodded and looked down at Anxiety, guilt flooding him as he thought back to how many times he'd made a snide comment and how that must have affected him more than he knew.

"he's so good at hiding it." Roman said but Patton shook his head.

"no he's not, you've never really looked at him properly. It's obvious just how much he hates himself and I've held him through an anxiety attack before and the only words he could say were self depreciating. He's been suffering for so long." Patton dissolved into tears again.

Roman and Logan tensed up as they thought over all the conversations they'd had with Anxiety and started to notice the tone of voice he used that they'd ignored at the time.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anxiety could hear voices somewhere around him. He couldn't make out who they belonged to because it sounded echoey and distant but he guessed it was probably the other traits.

He strained his ears and overheard someone that might have been Patton saying something about someone suffering for so long.

Anxiety started to remember what had happened and he realised he'd been affected by the medication worse than he thought he would be but he guessed that was probably because of how heightened he was for Thomas.

He couldn't move, he was in a state of paralysis but he didn't care. The fact they'd found him meant they'd stop Thomas taking the medication and he'd have to take matters into his own hands. There was no way he could face them after this.

With this thought he drifted back into complete unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts and attempts, mentions of blood and self harming, panic attacks.

Anxiety began to regain consciousness again but this time he couldn't hear a sound which he took to mean he was alone.

He opened his eyes, blinking a few times to get rid of the blurriness and glanced around warily.

He was in his own bedroom which was comforting and as he slowly sat up he noticed his furniture had been put back in the correct places.

He couldn't see any of the others so he quickly swung his legs out of bed and tried to stand up.

He stumbled and fell, just catching himself on the edge of his bed. He used the bed to keep himself upright until he could lean against the wall instead.

He stepped sideways, his back against the wall to keep himself up, and reached out an arm to shut and lock his bedroom door.

As soon as the lock clicked in place he slid down the wall and rested his head in his hands. His attempt had failed and he just knew he'd have very few chances to try again.

He wasn't sure how long it'd take the others to realise he was conscious again, probably until they next tried to check on him and found the door locked.

He struggled to his feet and had a sudden thought. He was wearing clean clothes.

Last he remembered he was hunched inside his wardrobe trying not to choke on the blood he was coughing up. His clothes had been soaked in it yet there wasn't a drop on him anymore.

That meant someone had changed him. He didn't know who he'd be more mortified about doing so.

Patton was the dad of the group but Anxiety didn't want him to see the numerous scars he had on his body, he'd rather Patton remain ignorant of just how broken he was.

Roman was a definite no because Anxiety didn't need him judging him for what his body looked like and making comments on how weak Anxiety was to have to resort to hurting himself to cope with life. Plus for some reason the idea of Roman seeing him like that made him feel weird.

Logan was probably the only one who'd see the scars and not comment or react because he was sure Logan had knowledge of things like self-harm. Logan was also good at looking at things objectively and Anxiety didn't have to worry about him being judgemental.

Anxiety took a few steps over to his desk, feeling relieved when his legs didn't try to buckle, and opened the drawer, searching for his notebook.

He found it underneath a few pieces of paper and quickly flipped to the page he needed.

His eyes scanned the words on the page and he grimaced. He wasn't sure if he was going to leave the page to be read by the others or not because for one his hand writing was atrocious and two, it revealed way to much about him.

If he failed again then they'd know everything and he'd have to live with that.

Anxiety sighed and placed the notebook on the desk, his mind racing with all the possible ways he could end it.

Suddenly the door handle rattled and he heard a voice mutter "Well that's odd. Anxiety? Can you hear me?"

Anxiety remained silent until he heard Patton walk away. He needed to figure something out quick before Patton came back with Logan and Roman who would probably break down the door or something.

He had a sudden thought. Thomas may have stopped taking the medication but there was a possibility he hadn't gotten rid of it yet.

Anxiety took a deep breath as he prepared himself to appear in Thomas's apartment.

He looked around and found he was in Thomas's bedroom. He could hear the sound of the shower and he swiftly starting searching for the medication.

He couldn't find them in Thomas's bedroom and had a terrifying thought. What if they were in the bathroom or downstairs? Even worse what if Thomas had actually thrown them away?

Anxiety crept into the bathroom and quietly began opening draws and cupboards as he tried to find the pills. He frowned as he opened a cabinet and found a bottle of pills that weren't the anxiety ones.

They were strong pain killers that Thomas had obviously gotten ages ago and then forgotten about.

Deciding that they were better than nothing if he couldn't find the anxiety ones, Anxiety slipped them into his pocket and stepped out of the bathroom where he'd had no luck.

He tiptoed over to the door which he opened as quietly as possible and stepped out onto the landing, shutting the door behind him with a quiet click as he heard the shower suddenly turn off.

Anxiety didn't want to risk stepping on a creaky step so he slid down the hand rail, taking great care not to fall.

He started looking around the lounge, and couldn't seem to find them until he looked under the couch and found them.

He let out a sigh of relief and grabbed them, stuffing them into his pocket with the other pills.

Suddenly he heard feet on the stairs and sunk down, concentrating hard on somewhere the others wouldn't find him.

He looked around at the dark room with a small smile. It had been years since he'd been here but it still brought a smile to his face.

He was in a dark room he'd created in the imagination, it was where he used to come to cry and scream his stress away or at least it was until he realised he affected Thomas more when he was in the imagination due to Thomas having a very vivid one.

Anxiety pulled the two bottles of medication out of his pocket and looked them over. He knew the anxiety ones would definitely get the job done but he was kind of curious about the painkillers.

He couldn't remember exactly what Thomas had gotten them for but as he looked closer he noticed they were already past their use by date.

He sat down in the centre of the room and threw the painkillers over his shoulder, he didn't need them, not when he had the anxiety ones.

He twisted off the top and peered into the bottle, idly wondering just how many he should take.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patton returned to Anxietys door with Logan and Roman who wasted no time in kicking down the door.

They walked in to find the bed empty and the only thing out of place was a small black notebook sitting on the centre of the desk.

Logan quickly opened it and flipped through the pages, his face pale as he saw all the drawings and notes Anxiety had made. It was when he flipped to the last entry that he understood why the book had been left out for them.

"He.... He left a note." Logan said, stumbling slightly over his words as he prepared to read the note out loud.

*the note*

Dear whoever found this,

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to write a note when I know no one will miss me or care but I suppose it could provide someone with a good laugh.

That's all I am, something people can laugh at and joke about. I'm pathetic.

It's kind of funny just how useless I am, I try my hardest to protect Thomas but I can't seem to protect him from myself.

I try to make it so he doesn't get hurt and I end up hurting him in the process. It's a pointless exercise when any of the others could do a better job than me.

When I first realised I wanted to die it horrified me, I was so shocked and confused. Why exactly did I want to die? It didn't take long for me to realise that, actually, death sounded quite inviting. 

I have nothing to live for. No one who'll miss me or care when I'm gone and I honestly see no reason sticking around when all I seem to do is make things worse.

I don't really care about the insults thrown at me, I'm used to worse from my own mind so I can deal with quite a lot of the stuff they say.

Recently I've been made aware of the fact that I'm not exactly a real trait. Not like the others. I'm Anxiety, a disorder that people take medication to get rid of.

Not everyone has anxiety and knowing that just makes me more set in my plan. If someone is reading this then I guess that means I went through with it and I'll let you in on a few secrets.

It doesn't matter anymore seeing as I'm probably dead as you read these words.

Firstly I never wanted to be the cause of Thomas's pain, I tried really hard to keep him from feeling the effects of my own panic attacks but sometimes I just couldn't stop it from spilling over to him.

Secondly despite the way I acted I actually did care about you all. Whenever one of you was feeling slightly nervous about something I always tried my hardest to absorb it so you could carry on with whatever amazing thing you were doing. Even if it meant I had a panic attack I still did it because none of you deserved to feel the way I felt during panic attacks.

Finally, my name. You all refer to each other by your names and me by Anxiety because I never really wanted you to know my name. For one it's kind of embarrassing and two I didn't feel comfortable sharing it when I knew I'm just some disorder. I shouldn't have a name in the first place because I'm obviously not a proper trait.

I have no issue with you knowing it now I'm dead though so I'm sorry for everything and I hope you all do better without me bringing Thomas down the whole time.

Goodbye

Virgil, the anxiety disorder who shouldn't have existed.

*end of note*

Logan finished reading the note to the others and the room was deathly silent.

"He... He felt like that for so long... Why didn't we notice?" Patton whispered, his voice wavering as tears slid down his face.

Logans hands shook as he tried to put the notebook down but it was snatched from his hands by Roman who's eyes flitted across the writing rapidly.

"We need to find him. Maybe we can stop him before it's too late." Roman muttered.

"Where could he possibly have gone? There are many places in the mindspace he could have escaped to but there's no feasible way to check them all in time." Logan said shaking his head in dismay.

"We could get Thomas to summon him?" Patton suggested, wiping his face as he struggled to put on a determined expression.

"Let's go." Roman said and the three of them appeared in Thomas's lounge where he was searching for something.

"Thomas? What are you doing?" Patton asked and Thomas jumped in surprise.

"Woah, I did not hear you guys. I'm looking for my car keys, I thought I left them on the couch but I can't seem to find them."

"Well, we need you to do something really quickly, it's important." Roman explained. "We need you to summon Anxiety."

"OK... Why? I thought you guys hated him?" Thomas replied in confusion.

"We do not hate him, we merely did not appreciate him or treat him appropriately. He is a valid part of you and one of the 'family' as Patton is fond of calling it." Logan stated, using air quotes on the word family.

Thomas shrugged and tried to summoning Anxiety but nothing happened.

"Try again!" Roman exclaimed and Thomas jumped slightly at his anger but continued to try several times, each time failing.

"It was a good plan Patton but it seems we have unfortunately, failed." Logan said bowing his head as Pattons bottom lip trembled.

"No! I am not giving up on him! There's got to be a way to save him!" Roman shouted.

"Roman, there's no time for us to search everywhere. It's impossible...."

"The imagination! He used to go there all the time before we shouted at him for it!" Roman blurted out, cutting off Logans comment.

"L... Let's go!" Patton said and the three of them sunk back down to the mindspace, leaving Thomas wondering what was going on.

Roman was running through the imagination, the other two struggling to keep up with him.

There didn't seem to be any sign of Anxiety anywhere and Roman was becoming frantic as they reached the end of the imagination.

"What.... What's that." Patton panted pointing in the direction of an ominous looking shack.

Roman frowned, not having seen it before, but quickly approached it, hoping they would find Anxiety inside.

He opened the door and saw an incredibly dark room which was so dark he almost missed the figure sitting on the floor.

"Anxiety!" Patton gasped and the figure jumped and got to their feet, eyes wide as they took in the three traits in the door.

"Anxiety, we.... Are those the anti anxiety pills?" Logan cut himself off as he spotted the handful of pills.

"G...get out!" Anxiety said, his voice hoarse and croaky from lack of use.

"Anxiety, please don't do this!" Roman pleaded as Anxiety held the pills up to his mouth.

"I'm doing everyone a favour, you all hate me and I hate me too so we'll all be better off with me dead!" Anxiety said and, before anyone could stop him, gulped down the handful of pills.

"No!" Cried the three traits and Logan quickly rushed forwards to grab Anxiety by the shoulders.

"Why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

Anxiety had tears running down his face as Logan shouted at him and he whispered "because there's no reason for me not to."

"Anxiety...… Virgil....." Roman started, his voice shaking slightly as he struggled to figure out a way to stop the pills he'd ingested from working.

Virgil flinched at the sound of his real name and gaped at Roman. "How did you.... Oh no! The notebook. I.... Oh fuck!"

Virgil started gasping for breath as it felt like his throat had closed up, making each breath hard to take. His legs gave out so Logan found himself holding Virgil up.

"What.... Virgil you need to breath! Copy my breathing!" Logan exclaimed.

Virgil closed his eyes and shook his head, hot tears running down his face. He just wanted the medication to hurry up and kick in so he would be free of the humiliation he was feeling with the others watching him.

Logan lowered Virgil to the floor, his arms aching slightly from holding him up, and ran a hand through his hair as he desperately tried to figure out how to fix the situation.

Patton had fallen to his knees and was sobbing into his hands, the knowledge that Virgil was trying so hard to end his life was almost too much for the paternal trait.

Roman was pacing furiously, muttering under his breath as he also tried to figure out a solution. As he walked past for the 1000th time his foot kicked something.

He bent down and grabbed a small bottle of pills of the floor. They appeared to be painkillers that were way past their use by date.

Suddenly Roman had an idea.

"Logan! What if Virgil were to puke up all the tablets? Would that work?" he asked.

Logan frowned. "Well yes, in theory, but Virgil would never agree to...."

"Virgil listen to me, you are going to make yourself vomit to get those pills out of your stomach or I will swallow a handful of these out of date painkillers and we'll both die." Roman said, shaking the pills in front of Virgils face, making him open his eyes in alarm.

"But... You.... You're Thomas's creativity.... You're important." Virgil spluttered. "I'm useless, n....no one needs me."

Roman crouched down so he could look Virgil in the eyes. "you're just as important and if you go I'm coming with you. I'm not going to carry on without you considering this entire thing is my fault. Out of the two of us I deserve this the most."

Virgil shook his head and tried to argue but Roman cut him off. "I'm being serious Virgil, you get those pills out of your system or these ones are going in mine."

Virgil stared at Roman in disbelief but when Roman twisted open the lid he quickly blurted out "OK! OK! I.... I'll do it."

Virgil pushed himself onto his knees and shuddered slightly as he tried to figure out how he was going to do this.

He could shove his fingers down his throat and trigger his gag reflex that way but he didn't think he'd be able to with everyone watching.

He suddenly remembered he was in the imagination and quickly thought of the most disgusting smell he could.

The others three immediately clamped hands over their noses in disgust but Virgil inhaled deeply and immediately gagged.

He kept doing that two more times until eventually he puked.

His eyes were streaming and his throat was burning as he gasped for breath which in turn made him puke again as the disgusting smell mixed with the smell of his own vomit was too much for his stomach.

Virgil eventually remembered to get rid of the smell and as he sat recovering the other three removed their hands.

Patton let out a relieved little sob and pulled Virgil into a gentle hug, mumbling about how much Virgil was cared about by them all.

Roman and Logan exchanged relieved expressions but refrained from hugging Virgil as they could see him trembling.

"W....why?" Virgil asked in a hoarse voice as he pulled away from Patton.

"Why what?"

"Why won't you j...just let me d....d...die?" Virgil asked, closing his eyes as more tears ran down his face. "It's cruel to g....give me false h...hope."

"What do you mean by false hope?" Logan asked.

Virgil sniffed and spoke in a shaky voice. "I try to do what's b... Best for everyone. I t.... Try to end it all b... But then you s...stop me. It's so painful to hear you saying that you c...care and then you all just go back to how you were before I t... Tried anything. G....giving me the false hope that someone will m... Miss me when I'm gone."

Silence followed Virgils words until Patton wailed "You silly boy, I have always cared about you and I always will! Don't think for one second that you wouldn't be missed because if you were to leave I would be devastated. You're cared about by everyone here even if they don't show it in obvious ways."

"That's not...." Virgil tried to say but Logan interrupted him.

"Patton is correct. Although I may appear less than friendly towards you, I do indeed care about your wellbeing. You're an essential part of Thomas and it's a relief to know I have someone who sees things more realistically than the other two in certain situations."

Virgil once again opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by Roman this time.

"Patton is right and I know the way I've treated you doesn't really support that but please believe me when I say I regret everything I've ever said or done to make you feel unwanted or unloved. I would rather die than lose you."

Virgils bottom lip trembled and fresh tears slid down his cheeks as he struggled to come up with a response.

Patton seemed to tell that he couldn't come up with a response because he pulled him in for another hug, rubbing his back and just letting him cry.

"Let it all out kiddo, I've got you." Patton murmured and eventually Virgil cried himself into exhaustion and slumped in Pattons arms.

Logan approached and helped Patton lift Virgil up, both of them exchanging concerned looks.

"I can take him." Roman said in a hushed voice and Patton handed the sleeping form of Virgil to him, smiling slightly as Virgil clung to Roman in his sleep.

The three walked out of the dark shack and through the imagination, back to the mindspace.

"Put him on the couch where we can keep an eye on him." Patton whispered to Roman who obliged and gently set the sleeping trait down.

"You realise that this is probably not the only time we're going to have to do this? He's bound to want to do it again, either because he'll forget what we said or because he just won't believe us." Logan said, shaking his head sadly.

Roman, who'd sat on the floor by the couch, was the one to respond in a quiet voice so as not to wake Virgil. "We'll just have to keep reminding him until he believes us then. I won't let him down anymore. I treated him like a villain when in fact he needed a hero of his own to help him fight the demons in his head. Some of his demons probably looked and sounded like me and for that I will never forgive myself but I will work as hard as I need to to make him see that we all love and need him."

Patton sniffed and a couple tears fell at Romans words. "We will all keep an eye on him and no matter what we are doing we will make time in our days for him. If he needs to talk or if he just needs to spend time with one of us in silence then we will give him that time. No more being isolated in his room where his own thoughts can convince him that we don't care."

Logan nodded. "I'm all for this plan but even still, the first few weeks will be tough and we'll have to remove anything he can use to harm himself in anyway."

The three sides exchanged matching looks of determination and Roman said "I'll stay here in case he wakes up while you two go do that."

Patton and Logan rushed off to do so, leaving Roman with Virgil.

"I promise you Virgil, as cliché as it may sound things will get better and I swear I will see you smile and laugh genuinely one day without feeling the need to try and hid it. You will be comfortable enough to be yourself around us all, including Thomas." Roman murmured, tempted to run a hand through Virgils hair but refrained, remembering the debate he'd had with Virgil about Disney prince's and the whole lack of consent thing.


End file.
